By Steven Stiefel
I'm riding in the car with Janelle Perzina, my latest actress/model assignment for Xposed. It's a tough job interviewing the most beautiful women on the planet, but somebody has to do it.
She is beautiful, naturally, as the wind flows through her long blonde hair. She's dressed casually for this trip to sunny Florida. She's wearing a wife-beater -- a rather crude name for the sleeveless white shirt that makes her tan look all the more golden. I spy the profile of her chest, trying not to be too obvious, but she glances and catches me getting an eyeful of the fabric lines hugging the curves of her contour. She shouldn't mind too much because teasing men with a gorgeous face and body is her occupation.
Janelle is a busy girl, well-traveled, as I discover when we reach a toll booth and she removes a coin from her jeans pocket. All she has is a Euro. The toll booth operator gives her a dirty look as we drive on. We both burst into laughter. What a cool, crazy chick!
"She can exchange it. It's worth $2 anyway," she says.
She weaves between lanes, talking as I hold my tape recorder close to her full, luscious lips. The former Miss Minnesota moved to the warmer climate of Los Angeles eight years ago, but she's spent a lot of time in the Sunshine state lately. She explains that she does a lot of bikini work on South Beach during the colder months of the year. A sexy city for a very sexy girl.
As she alternates between watching the road and turning to look at me with unbelievably amazing eyes, I can't resist looking at her abs and her thighs, both hard and soft at the same time. I know it is unprofessional, but I can't help but wonder if it would be worth the inevitable slap and getting ditched on the side of the freeway to cop a feel of that delicious flesh. Impossible fantasies run through my head, vivid images of a spontaneous romp in some backroads motel with moldy ceiling tiles and beds that creak beneath lovers' friction. I imagine the smell of her skin. I picture her sitting on the edge of that motel bed covered in sweat, putting her bra on, telling me, "Thanks. I just felt horny all of the sudden."
"You are so freakin' hot!" I blurt out, instantly feeling stupid. I can't help it. I am bewitched, my cap concealing my lap.
She smiles, perhaps in awe of her power over men or maybe laughing because we both realize she is WAY out of my league. She is a vision of lovely despite her declarations to the contrary.
"I don't even have any makeup on," she says. I learn she has a problem shedding herself of old boyfriends. I understand their dilemma. I will be jonesing for Janelle when she drops me off in Pensacola.
She's behind the wheel, but I get the feeling I am the one who'd better pay attention to where my eyes are glued...
Xposed: What are some of the things you've done that Xposed readers might have seen?
Janelle: I've been in several magazines and commercials. I was in a commercial for Axe deodorant and in a Victoria's Secret fashion show with (former Xposed Girl Next Door) Mariah Bruna and all of the supermodels. I think Heidi Klum was mad about something that day. I've had bit parts on TV's "Passions" and "Son of the Beach." I really loved Mariah's attitude. I've posed for Stuff, Xposed, German Maxim, Playboy Special Editions. I was in "Bruce Almighty" with Jim Carrey but my scene got cut. It's on the DVD as a deleted scene. I was cast in "Dawn of the Dead" as a lesbian but that was cut.
Xposed: Gives new meaning to being eaten by a zombie. You like scary movies?
Janelle: I love horror movies! I'm a sucker for being a scaredy cat and jumping in a guy's lap saying, "Protect me!"
Xposed: I'm sure the guy doesn't mind one bit. Maybe there's a movie theater up the road.
Janelle: I love psychological thrillers like "The Ring" or movies like "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" where the girl is running away from the psycho.
Xposed: Maybe you'll get cast in the next great scary flick so we can see your breasts jiggle as you run for your life.
Janelle: Maybe. I'd love to do a comedy too. A lot of people say I remind them of Cameron Diaz. I still have a lot of former boyfriends pursuing me like she did in "There's Something About Mary."
Xposed: Put something in your hair to make it stick up and it's uncanny!
Janelle: I've done a lot of hosting on television, and I had a show on Comedy Central called "National Lampoon's Infamous Cuisine." We would just mess up everything, and I was sort of the ditzy blonde.
Xposed: How could someone as intelligent as you pull that off? You must be a great actress!
Janelle: Okay, quit sucking up now.
Xposed: Damn, too obvious... Speaking of sucking up, you told me your two best male friends are gay. Did those guys give away any of our secrets?
Janelle: One of them taught me how to give a blowjob and how to enjoy anal sex.
Xposed: Hmmm. Those aren't really secrets I know, but tell me more about your butt.
Janelle: I'm not into anal sex, but he just told me in case I ever found myself in that situation.
Xposed: A girl never knows when she might end up parking the Plymouth in the rear garage... . What is supposedly the secret to good head?
Janelle: He taught me using a banana. You use your hands and your mouth, but no teeth. You have to be kind of gentle. I practiced on the banana.
Xposed: Next time you see a rest stop, I really need to use the rest room...
Janelle: Most of my friends are female. I kissed a girlfriend on the set of the show "Las Vegas" but it was just pretend.
Xposed: So, if I explore acting as a career, then I might have a snowball's chance in hell of making out with you?
Janelle: (disgusted) I did an independent movie once where I had a love scene with this actor. On the first take, he stuck his tongue down my throat! I pushed him away and told him not to do that.
Xposed: So what can a guy do to make your love scene together better? I mean, besides not using his tongue or taking Viagra...
Janelle: Use an Altoid and talk to the other actor about how you are going to do the scene beforehand.
Xposed: Cool. I will remember that as soon as I get Julia Roberts in bed. In real life, since you are a lingerie model, do guys expect you to be a sex fiend?
Janelle: No, I think they can tell within five minutes of talking to me that I'm fairly old-fashioned. It must be the Midwestern thing. I'm not a sex kitten or a super-sexual person. I've never had a one-night stand in my life. I want to be in love with someone when I have sex.
Xposed: What is the best sex you ever had?
Janelle: This guy game me multiple orgasms.
Xposed: Hmmm... Do you have a spot on your body that gets you going every time?
Janelle: My neck. Kissing my neck.
Xposed: Good to know. How can men be better lovers?
Janelle: Communication and talking to your partner, asking, "Does this feel good?"
Xposed: What was the most fun you ever had besides sex?
Janelle: I was in Greece doing a reality show about models. The producers totally set us up one time with five cases of Cristal champagne on one of the best yachts in Greece. There were 25 crew members, 10 of them hot guys who some of the models hooked up with. There was rock climbing, jet skiing.
Xposed: Tough job you got there.
Janelle: But probably the best time is when I'm home by myself. I just get in touch with my body.
Xposed: (gulp) You do? How?
Janelle: I sleep in all day, take a long bubble bath, light candles, turn off my phone, turn off my computer, listen to Mozart, condition my hair and give myself a facial and a pedicure.
Xposed: Oh... Well, do you have any secrets for preparing for a sexy photo shoot? Do you starve yourself beforehand?
Janelle: God no! I've never starved myself. You just have to be confident that your body looks good and it's a good photographer and they can always airbrush something that looks bad. (Laughs) Just kidding.
Xposed: That's good you aren't anorexic. Starvation isn't sexy.
Janelle: The only time I don't eat is when I drink champagne.
Xposed: Ever done anything when drunk that you wish you hadn't?
Janelle: Yeah. I was underaged and ran from a cop. I broke my ankle but I got away.
Xposed: Ouch. What do you look for in a man? Besides good looks and money, that is.
Janelle: Someone who is honest and won't cheat on me.
Xposed: How can you tell if his love is true?
Janelle: I have a pretty good intuition as to when someone is telling me the truth.
Xposed: You women are spooky. Any aspirations for the future?
Janelle: I want to come out with my own calendar. It's harder to produce a calendar than people think. You have to come up with 12 different locations and a whole production. That might be a project that comes together in 2005 or 2006.
Xposed: I will hold my breathe till then. Hey, look! Let's pull over! It's a banana farm.